Speaking Of Which

I had a blood test today. The result was positive.......it's definitely blood.
I hate this time of year because it reminds me of autumn.
You can't reason with a fart.
In a recent poll, the vast majority of howler monkeys said they preferred softball to soccer.
I've gone green. My doctors are baffled.
Never take a sponge for granted.

Life Is..........

I have an inflatable gene pool.
My GPS unit has a lisp.
Duct tape is not a hair removal system.
Why do the voices in my head only speak Spanish?
Like my computer, why can't I have automatic updates?

A Slight Tweaking

Bacon is responsible for an awful lot of saliva.
If the answer is a lemon meringue pie...........the question is not important.
Who invented lunacy?
My slow-cooker has an inferiority complex, but it makes great stew.
Yesterday, I mailed several self-addressed envelopes under an assumed name.

Snack-size Bites

Laughter may be the best medicine, unless you've been bitten by a King Cobra.
Size doesn't matter, except when jam-filled doughnuts are involved.
What happens to all of the sad meals?
I recently went to a gigantic tool sale, but only found regular-sized ones.
I paid a small fortune for a heart monitor, but it only shows one channel.

Sane Beyond Recognition

Are you worried about Austrian confectioners?
Have you ever video-taped soup?
Do you wish your nipples were bigger?
Is there an albino raccoon living in your toilet?
Do Mexican tourists laugh at you?
Would you consider dating a Cornish pasty?
Do you have a life-threatening bullet wound?

If you answered 'yes' to four or more questions..........never, ever, tell anybody.

Brain Leaks

In the Twelfth Century, shortly before flatulence was invented, a large pepperoni pizza would have cost more than a dozen owls.

A man wearing a thong is as appealing as twenty pounds of whale blubber wearing pantihose.

Hamsters communicate in Chinese.

A bird in the hand means dinner.

Things I Know [part one]

Mushrooms can't keep secrets.
My imaginary friend, Wendy, recently had laser eye surgery.
Behind their smiles, sweet potatoes are often extremely bitter.
My rash has left me for a Peruvian shepherd.
The Hon. Hector Mindnumbing owes me a llama.
Brussels sprouts mate only once.

F - Y - I

Men should not play handball in the nude.
Hip-waders are not acceptable attire when receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.
Pine cones are smarter than spaghetti.
Leisure suits are the most effective form of contraception.
I recommend you avoid the illustrated version of Diarrhea For Dummies.
Do not dress eels in Spandex........it really upsets them.

A Point of Light.

After extensive research, I've discovered that 33 is actually the loneliest number.

I hope the meek have invested their money wisely, because when they inherit the earth they will be receiving one hell of a bill for property taxes.

Mrs. Gilda Personification of Parksville wants the world to know that she is inflatable. This has come as a shock to her husband of twelve years, Bernie, and their two children, Josie [11] and Pete [9].

My left foot is right-handed.

I have a fear of medication........but I've got some pills to cure it.

A View From Above

This may come as a bit of a shock to some, but you can't buy artificial buttocks in North Korea. I really don't know what those poor people do in an emergency.

Every year, on October 18th, I refrain from eating avocados. I wish I could remember why.

This morning, I was completely ignored by Jehovah's Witnesses. Should I worry about that?

All of my internal organs are on the outside.

I must go now........try not to worry.

It's Only A State Of Mind

I have a frozen waffle [Ivor] in my freezer......I hope that a cure is eventually found, so that we can bring him back.

Being seriously weird requires commitment; lead-lined boots; six Vikings; and a fully-decorated Xmas tree.

Phenton Blithering III has officially parted from his testicles. He cites irreconcilable differences. They had been together for many years. It's very sad.

It's time for my bed bath.

Be kind to squirrels.

Humourless Harper

Following his election win, Stephen Harper is planning to outlaw public displays of humour until he wins a majority.
The Department of Subversive Activities, who will be working closely with the Fundamentalist Anti-Humour League; the Mormon Anti-Pleasure Coalition; Cardinal Graham the Dour; the Acme Sackcloth and Ashes Company; and Mrs. Bunty Flagellate of Vancouver, will soon be issuing a statement outlining details of Prime Minister Harper's proposed new law.

Stay tuned for proposed new laws banning:
Flatulence
Miniature Poodles
The "v" in Sven

Tree Frogs and Other Obstacles

Tree frogs should never be named Greg.

Misplacing a sperm whale is a serious business, and should not be attempted by amateurs.

I recently built a life-size model of a model-size life.......it was rather confusing.

Does anybody have a spare knee?

I must go, while there's nobody at the door.

Until the next time I'm allowed out.